Pink or Blue...or yellow?

SOOO, I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight because tomorrow we MAY or may not find out if we are having a boy or girl...AHHH...I am officially 14 weeks 3 days and if positioned correctly we could be hearing those magic words..."IT'S A..."

Anyway I am super, way, fabulously excited and wanted to share...
What an incredible journey so far...I am an eating, peeing machine and I just can't wait to feel those kicks and jabs...I will have a NEW, larger picture of our miracle to brag about and post! Thanks for everyone who is reading. Please feel free to share your experiences with me! I would love to hear your story, your moment, your miracle :)

Happy night to all...
I hope to be able to to report some exciting news tomorrow!!!!!
Pink or blue? What do YOU think it could be???

As I think about it...this could be my very last moment in LIFE to NOT know who is coming into our world forever...God sure is AMAZING, isn't he?

Always,
Anneliese

OOOOOO....MMMMMMMM...GGGGGGG :) ...

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful in your entire life....???

ok wait, if you are a parent I allow you to think that YOUR child is the most beautiful :) hahahah j/k

BUT seriously this is the most magical, most precious thing I have ever seen!!! I am 12 weeks and 3 days. They gave me a dvd of the entire ultrasound and we saw the little bean jumpin' around and waving his/her hands! I saw little fingers, little toes and BOOMING heartbeat! I am the HAPPIEST woman on earth and I just can't believe how blessed I am. Nothing else could ever matter more...

I wanted to share my joy and hope that if anyone else out there reading my words is expecting a new baby, I wish you all the happiness in the world. This is truly and purely AMAZING...

I LOVE BABIESSSSSS!!!!!

Hey there...

HI everyone...as you can imagine I have been RIDICULOUSLY sick for the past 5 or 6 weeks! I am sick all the time but this is the happiest I've ever been! Little honey bee is growing leaps and bounds and I wanted to post my 9 week ultrasound for you all to see but I can't upload it for whatever reason on my work computer :( I am officially 12 weeks and I just CAN'T wait to see what that picture is going to come out like then...


In this last ultrasound (and I have one every 2 weeks now) We saw him or her MOVING. It was nothing less than AMAZING! I wish I could share that but I did not take a video...BUT tomorrow I will be going for the 1st trimester screening and I get an entire DVD of my little bambino or bambinette so I can see it all day long!!!! I am sooooo freakin' excited! I had a little scare last week on Tuesday where I had RED blood and I freaked and ran to my Doctor...but there was our little bean on the screen with a gorgeous heartbeat and nothing to worry about. I haven't bled again. My Dr. said that it was my placenta that had seperated a bit and that sometimes you bleed because of it..I am keeping hope and prayers that it's the last blood I ever see but you just never know. If I have learned one thing through this so far, it's that EVERY woman is so different. You can kill yourself reading and googling but nothing will make it for sure...whatever happens is going to so just wish for a healthy and beautiful pregnancy!

Anyway I realize I need to update a lot more and jot down things I am feeling and thinking and wondering about. I hope you are all well out there and happy! Wish me luck tomorrow when I go in at 9am! :) How cool would it be if I were able to post a video!!! :) Till tomorrow everyone...

Mother Teresa...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self... centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true
enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~Mother Teresa

I wanna connect...

 How is everyone doing out there?
I wish there was a better way to interact with people who read my blog or who just want to chat and be connected. Please know that I LOVE to talk and ask questions and be asked questions...so if you are like me LET'S GET TO CONNECTING on the World Wide Web :) You can inbox me or leave comments on my posts anytime :)

Hope you are all living and breathing fabulous lives! Remember that it all goes by so fast so let's take advantage of the time we have on the earth together and make the best of it!

I hope I receive some comments or questions soon :)

Best sound I ever heard...

For all those wondering what happened yesterday...
I went to the Doctor yesterday and had an ultrasound and there was definitely ONE baby! :) :) :) You have no idea the relief I felt when I SAW that blinking little bean up on that big screen! Not only was that absolutely magical and amazing but then the technician turned up the volume with NO warning and I heard the most beauiful sound I ever did hear...a heartbeat SO loud, so strong that I started to cry. I actually heard my baby's heartbeat for the 1st time EVER in life! I will never get this moment back...that was the most incredible thing I have ever heard and I only have God to thank for that moment. I will treasure it and never forget it.

Next time I am definitely bringing a recording device so I can hear it EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Maybe I can even figure out how to post an audio clip so I can share it all with you :)

To all those who thought of me or prayed for me...THANK YOU. We did it! We got through the first major week and I have nothing but GOODNESS to report...I go next Thursday at 9 am to see him or her and hear it all over again :) It's like me and my little bean have dates every week :) I love this! I love life!

Officially the happiest girl in the world!

Dear God...

Please be with me today as I travel to the Doctors office. Please hold my hand as they do yet another ultrasound. Will they find one or two? I just want one healthy blessing from above. We just want to get to January and have you always in our hearts, by our side, protecting and loving us. Thank you to all of those praying. Friends, family and people who I don't even know are keeping us in their thoughts and that means more to me than you know. Thank you for giving us another day to live and to breathe. Thank you for this miracle. Please keep the inside of my tummy safe and let the heavens smile down on all of us who need it today :)

In your name we pray, Amen.

One or TWO?...

I haven't written sooner cause it's been an INTENSE last week or so! Let me explain...

In my last post I was going to go to the Doctor and find out about my bllod work, remember?
well low and behold...I have NOTHING WRONG WITH MY BLOOD :)
YAY...yipeeeee!!!!
Everything I was so worried about suddenly dissolved...thankfully!  I was thanking God and loving life until...I get a call the next day from my Doctor...

"Hi this is your Dr.'s office calling to let you know that your hormone levels for pregnancy are through the rough so that's great BUT we need you to come in right away for an ultrasound as we could not find a sac in your uterus yesterday"   (This is my face > :( < )

So here I go jumping in my car to head to the Dr. to get this ultrasound that will tell me if in fact I am pregnant or not even through the blood tests say YES. Now they are scarring me with Etopic pregnancy. Great. Trying to pray, meditate and tell myself that no matter what happens, everything will be ok.

I get there they rush me to a lab and do an ultrasound. They not only FIND a sac in my uterus (thank HEAVENS) but they also think they see TWO SACS in there. Do you know what this means????
TWINS. I will repeat...TWINS. I almost die, flat line right there in front of them from the shock. I don't know whether or not to be happy, scared, nervous or what??? I am all of these emotions and MORE. Could you imagine? Me having twins? after everything we have been through? After the losses and the waiting and the pain and the heartache...God could give us 2??? I am beyond myself.

Of course it's WAY to early to tell and they said it could also just be a small bleed of old blood that is common and that I have nothing to worry about. The hormone levels are perhaps SO HIGH because of the 2 sacs that they think they see! I still can't believe it as I type it on the page. One is a major blessing but 2 is a freakin' miracle! I don't know what to do, I am so happy.  One person should not have this much joy in their system...it's overload! (but I'll take it ;)

I go on Wed for my next ultrasound where they will tell me if in fact there are 2 or just 1...
either way here I go again asking for everyone's thoughts and prayers. Good vibes, good energy and just overall well being for me and whatever is happening inside of my body. I am so overjoyed that this is happening to me...One or two I honestly don't care. We just want one healthy, happy baby we can bring home and love and raise and call our own.

Miracles DO happen. One might have just happened to ME. Twins don't even run in my family!
This goes to show that God is amazingly good at what he does. I am praying everyday for whatever is going to happen...Thank you all for checking out my page, reading my words and taking this journey with me. It means a lot to me.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday...I will write as soon as I know exactly what we are dealing with...

Till next time...

Until tomorrow...

Ok everybody...
I need peoples thoughts and prayers. Good vibes and all the positive energy I can get!  My doctors office called me today and said my blood work came in and they need to sit with me and discuss the results. Not good, right? Naturally I am freaking out. I've had a splitting head ache all day...feeling sick to my stomach and just an over all horrible anxiety of what they could or could not say tomorrow. I know I shouldn't be so scared..it's out of my hands and out of my control, right? I have to have FAITH. I have to believe that no matter what, everything will be ok. My biggest fear is that after everything, God will have to take this baby away from me too. I've been through so much and fought so hard to get to this place in my life and right now I stand before the door and I have no idea what's behind it. I will find out tomorrow. I hope you keep me and my husband in your thoughts tomorrow even if it's just for a second of time...Life is so precious, so fragile. Don't forget or take for granted that ANYTHING can change and happen in an instant. Until tomorrow...

                                                                         

Amazing weekend...

sooo I had a really amazing and fun weekend with my Dad, husband and friends. I needed to see family and people I love that I don't get to see often. It was a little slice of heaven and I felt every one of Gods smiles upon me.

You know those days where everything is just as it should be? The days where happiness is just so easy to attain? Nothing could ever stop it or come between it...well that was me and my heart this whole weekend. I am so full of joy and gratitude. I know this new life growing inside of me is just the beginning of an amazing life for us and I have no other words but THANK YOU. Thank you for letting me feel so peaceful and satisfied and so full. I hope everyone out there felt a little of what I did  in your own lives and with whatever you were doing. Looking forward to tomorrow and the days ahead...

AND just to make sure I took a 2nd preg test on Friday and this beautiful BRIGHT, blue plus sign just makes my heart flutter. What a miracle, what a gift...I cannot think of anything better than this right here...

Guess who's PREGNANT?????

 

ME...!!!!!

New Sunshine...

WOW...it's been WEEKS since I last blogged.
I guess you can say I've taken a little break from blogging, life and maybe even myself...

So many things have happened! We had Easter and then Mother's Day and basically all of April and half of May, are practically GONE...where does the time go? NO, seriously where does it go?????

I have so many things to look forward to!! My husband and I will be celebrating our very FIRST year of marriage together :) We are planning a nice trip somewhere for a few days and I am shopping for a simple wedding dress so we can renew our vows and have a mini-repeat of the amazing day we had last year! It will be just us and our love as we exchange words of love and gratitude we have for each other! I can't wait!!

Not only that but this week we also find out if we are PREGNANT, again!!??!! I can't wait and no matter what happens I want to blog about it! I want to share with you and anyone who will read my words and go through this journey with me, with us! Life is now and it needs to be lived NOW!
NO ONE is perfect and God will always guide us. If it's out time to bring a life into this world, then we will! right?

I have a new lease on life. I spent some time being sad, as you know by now from my other blogs but not anymore...I have made a decision to take every day as it comes and good or bad and I know that regardless, I will be ok! We will all be ok and it's all in our thoughts and actions!
If we think negatively then we will never see our full potential. We will never truly attain happiness and peace and I for one don't want to spend another second feeling defeated or down. Lots of not so great things have happened to me. In the past and just recently. I've suffered some losses and all I can say is that they were all SUPPOSED to happen. Without the mishaps and obstacles I wouldn't know how to tackle my future. I am even getting myself on that treadmill every day after work for just an hour. It has made SUCH a difference! I feel better and probably look a little better too! It's so nice to have an hour to unwind from the day, say my thanks to the light above and know that I am taking care of my health and body. I recommend it to all. It's tough and I am tired but if you get push through, it's amazing what you will find on the other side!

I hope everyone out there is having a beautiful morning and a beautiful LIFE :)
I hope you all stay tuned to my hopefully really great news! I have a new Doctor and got all kinds of tests done to see if there was anything we were missing but so far so good. I will know soon where life is taking us. Please keep me and my husband in your prayers. We want a family more than anything and we are READY for a little blessing to be a real part of our lives :)

As always, thanks for listening...

I read this today and it helped my heart...maybe it will help someone else too.

This is another day, O Lord.

I know not what it will bring forth,

but make me ready, Lord,

for whatever it may be.

If I am to stand up,

help me to stand bravely.

If I am to sit still,

help me to sit quietly.

If I am to lie low,

help me to do it patiently.

And if I am to do nothing,

help me to do it gallantly.

Make these words more than words,

and give me the Spirit of Jesus.

Amen.

It's never too late to turn it all around...

Maybe it's time to stop feeling so low...
I look over my blog and wonder what you all must think. This poor lost, little girl who's every entry has something to do with overwhelming emotions of sorrow

It's all up to me and no one else, right?
So if I feel so down and out it's because I am ALLOWING it to happen! I control me and my destiny and no one else.
Maybe today is the day it all starts looking up...

Happy blogs about silly and fun and meaningful things is what I will concentrate on...
Please forgive me if every now and again I fall off the tracks and breathe a sad word or two.
Have enough faith in me to know I will find my back to the yellow brick road... eventually.

Hope everyone out there has a great TUES-DAY!

Drowning above water...

Looking for inspiration, for a miracle everywhere I take a breath
but
nothing but an ocean of rain comes over my face before I can focus on what's before me.
My heart is the weight of a thousand men and
I drag it around all day long with a plastic smile I paint on every day.

I run out of words, I lack the vocabulary I need when trying to describe how I actually feel.
What will become of this life? of me? What have I become already?
A person I do not recognize as my own, eyes that gaze back but no reflection do I see.

Is this what God intended for me? They say you are not given more than you can handle but somebody please hear me because I think he forgot about me. Is anyone listening?
Drowning while breathing, drowning above water, is the best I can come up with...
How could this be?
How could this happen?
Where did I go wrong and why did I keep going?

Again and again...

It's "blog weather" outside. Rainy, dreary, gray blue, breezy and sad...
I am thinking I may be in trouble...again.

My heart just isn't right. I feel like there is a funeral inside my body. I think all day long about what it is that I am so unhappy about and the truth is, is that it's too much. It's so much. My dad, the miscarriages, and now I feel as though maybe my marriage is not on the greatest path. We love each other terribly and we have been through so much together already so love isn't the issue.  Sometimes I feel as though we speak 2 different languages. Not even close together languages like Spanish and Portuguese but more like Mandarin and Dutch. Know what I am talking about? Sound familiar?

I feel like an idiot half the time because I always look for the answer. I always want to come to a conclusion like most women are so inclined to do but unfortunately that does not always work...actually in my case it NEVER works.
I somehow make it worse or create more damage but how could I do that when all I was trying to do was make it better?? It's really infuriating. Not only that, but after we get to a point of no return then comes the silent treatment. We both do this. This is the saddest part. I mean life is too short, right? This can't be the best way to handle something is it? I know it's necessary to take some time and walk away from a bad argument or just sit back and do some healthy thinking but ALL DAY?
I hate silence. I'd rather hash it out, in a good way and get to a better place than to sit in awful silence and wondering who will say what first.

And all of us married people know that we are in it to win it, right? You can't just say- Hey, this isn't working out for me...I'm gonna go to my own place now, I'll see ya in a few days. Nope. Not us.
 We have to be here whether we like it or not cause that's what we signed up for. I love being married, I truly do but days like today I sure do miss my single life of doing whatever the fuck it is that I WANT to do without having anyone or anything else to worry about! It's exhausting.

The ugly truth is that right now, I feel like I am mourning a death. A funeral is taking place everyday somewhere in my body at any given time. Even on my good days the troops are always there standing guard and ready for action.
I hate that I feel this way. I almost feel like everything is slowly falling apart in front of my eyes and I can't or I won't do anything about it. I pretend that the next new day will bring some sort of magic water that will erase these horrible and sad feelings but really the opposite takes place.
I am at a loss.
A loss of hope. Faith is all tapped out, tear ducts dry and empty heart. I will convince myself before going to bed that all will be better tomorrow and it will be...until it all comes crashing down on me once again like a reoccurring dream that is most definitely anything but...

2nd time around...for her.

 So I found out that today someone who I know well is pregnant. her 2nd one.
Don't get me wrong, I am way happy for her...but sad at the same time. I know that's completely horrible and selfish but I need to be honest. That's why I am doing this, right? Blogging? aka "Dear Diarying" how I feel? Well I have been trying to work out my feelings but there are always so many that I can't keep track.

I guess it was hard for me to take the good news because of my personal loses. Right now I'd be about 5.5 months preg, had I not lost it. I still can remember the doctor saying...."So as you can see, there is no heart beat anymore". "If there was, you would see BIG, BRIGHT LIGHTS like a Christmas tree all over the place and here there are none...see?"
It's like a nightmare I get to relive while I am awake and no matter how hard I try, those images, his face (the Dr.) and the room will live vividly in my mind.

I guess it's like this for a lot of other people and I am just one more name to add to that club.
Meanwhile my friend is 5 weeks preg. Having a life growing inside of you is more magical than you can ever think to describe. So yes, I am happy for her new life and for the brother or sister her son will have and for the new little face I will someday kiss and squeeze, but inside deep in my heart and definitely today, I ache. I know it's normal but it feels so bad.
I wish this wasn't my reality.

thanks for listening.

Been a few weeks...

I haven't blogged in a few weeks cause either 1. Life gets so incredibly busy or 2. I don't feel like saying that much lately.

What I will say today, is that I am so tired! Shouldn't this be everyone's tag line in life? I feel like I never catch up. I wake up 100 times a night to either turn, stare up at the ceiling, go to the loo etc...but I seriously can't remember the last time I felt AWESOME and well rested from the first moment I open my peepers. We don't even have kids yet so I bet a lot of you have NO sympathy for me whatsoever! (I don't blame you) But still...I am tired :(

Sometimes I feel like my brain carries way too much information that I can't get rid of. Stupid info that I don't need but is there. I worry and stress about almost everything and I don't know how to stop. I try meditating in prayer  form, breathing, listening to "ocean sounds" on my ipad but nothing ever really works. How does one stop worrying? Is it possible? Cause unless you live in world without family, a job, a pet, bills or friends then NO, it's impossible. Worrying is a prerequisite to this life as soon as we are born. I wish I had better news on this sunny Sunday morning, but I don't.

 Not trying to be a downer, cause Lord knows it's not in my nature but it's a big downfall right now. I need to get so much better at LIFE. I need a life coach or a really good article that will stick in my brain in a way that I can pull it out as soon I get into trouble. There are so many things that I wanna do. Little silly stuff and way big important, life altering things on my to-do list. Where do I start? Where do any of us start?

Sassy-fly kind of day....

Ok...so I decided to really turn it around today. I am wearing boot heels, a cute little spanish-fly black dress, curled my hair, did a little smokey look on the eye and walking with my shoulders back and head held high! I feel surprisingly sassy and sexy today. Even skinny (shhhh)

Sometimes you gotta just be good to yourself like this and say I'm worth it.
Loreal knows that they are talking about sometimes ;)

Anyway, I hope the world is having an amazing day today!

The weekend is here...what are YOUR plans??

Puppies ?...

So my husband wants to get a dog...I think it could be good for us but I am just not sure. I've had dogs my whole life so I know the responsibility and work it takes but maybe it would be a really good thing at this point in our lives! Any thoughts out there in blog land?? We need a hypoallergenic dog since we are both allergic...

Sleepless nights...

Sometimes I just wake up feeling really sad. Today was one of those days :(
I try my absolute best to turn it around and get some positive energy going but it gets difficult. I wake up at least once or twice a night because I can't turn my brain OFF. It's a horrible feeling. There I am in the middle of the night staring up at the ceiling in the silence just me and the abyss of my mind...
black and endless.

Does this happen to you? I am assuming it does, it's probably really normal but it's debilitating. I start to think of all the things I could have done differently in my past (which is ridiculous since I can't change a word or undo a step I've taken) but it's like my thoughts paralyze me. I take so many twists and turns and so many things bog me down and keep me sad. I pray, I meditate, I lie there and think of good, happy thoughts and just breath. Lately it's getting harder and harder...
All I know is that somehow I have to turn it around. I have to remember that life is to be lived now now later. I can't keep pushing things to the side.

Things on my list to get to...EAT BETTER and EXERCISE! Why is it so hard to do?
LAZY. plain and simple. I know I have to do better, bottom line. It's all up to me...

Saturday morning blues...

Do you ever feel completely lost? Completely empty and without purpose? I can't seem to master making my day or days go by without some sort of deep rooted sadness reaching my face each day.

I got married last year and right afterwards my Dad suffered a stroke. He is now in a wheel chair unable to move his left side. It's the saddest thing I've ever seen or experienced with a member of my family. I am an only child so the pressure is on to be the one who saves the day. At least it's how I feel.

I feel like I never do enough, I don't know the right thing or the best thing. I have to make it up as I go along and the cross is getting hard to bare. Pardon the expression but it's true. I have not rested since last June. My body, heart and soul have been taking a beating that I can only compare to things I've seen in movies. No one know my kind of heart ache and yet there are SO many people suffering worse than I. I have to remember that. Between the months of June to April, I have gotten married, gotten the news of my Father's stroke, lost my job to go help him and be with him, got pregnant, lost the baby, got pregnant again and lost another one and now I feel like I am at a loss....

A loss of words, a loss of feeling, a loss of everything. I have no idea what to do. I am so unbelievably depressed that nothing motivates me. I am starting to not care about my body, health or anything. I go into such a bad emotional place when I think about the life or lives that were taken away from me so suddenly. How much sadness can a person handle? How many more sad days will I have? Who knows what I can expect from the future? -But that's just it, isn't it? It's life. I'm living a normal every day life.
I have to accept it, assess it and move on. I have to do better. I have to make myself get up everyday and smile and have faith that everything one day will be ok.

It's so hard. I am such a naturally happy human being and all of this ugly, painful sadness has taken a seat next to me and I have to deal with it. I can't cry or feel bad for myself all day long. I remember those who are in hospitals with breathing tubes struggling. People and children who have cancer with days numbered. People in Japan and Haiti with NO houses or clean water or food. That is tragedy.

I am so lucky to have an amazing husband that works so hard. He loves me so much that he would walk to the end of the earth to find me, to rescue me and in many ways he has. I also have an amazing Father that doesn't spend his days depressed that this awful thing happened to him. He goes to therapy, happily. He even drives, cleans his house, walks his dog...I am so proud of him. I wish he knew. I try as much as I can to just be a beacon of light and hope for him.
I also have an amazing Mother who is one of the strongest people I know. She has found peace and really and truly calls upon God and Faith to help her in every situation. It's amazing to watch. Then there is me. I have an amazing home, a job I love and I have 2 arms, 2 legs, I am healthy (I hope) I guess one can never know what will happen, but for the moment I am not suffering. The inside of my heart seems to be needing lots of help though...

My wish and hope for today is that maybe I reach one person that maybe feels the same way. Maybe your life is amazing and you have everything you could wish for and you read my post today and think to yourself, "Wow, I am blessed", "Let me go and live this day to the fullest."

If things are not so good in your life and you need a little inspiration then let me be an example of how to turn it around. I am here to tell you that nothing is permanent. It is all temporary. Our bodies, our mind and all of the tangible things we spend so much money on every day will one day be gone. I am not an expert on anything, I am not saying that sometimes it feels like maybe ending it all, would really take the pain away because believe me, I have been there. You are not alone. We are all so alike in so many ways but it's hard to speak about the sad truth. It's hard for me which is why I am blogging. I feel like finally I can get out my truth without feeling naked, vulnerable or scared.

We are all the same. It's time we really start to be who we are and fuck all the bad things that happen to us. They are gonna happen no matter what, right? Let's just pick ourselves up and say, we are better than this!
WE will conquer.
WE will remain. We will determine how happy we can be no matter the circumstance. It can be done, we just have to want it.

I hope you smile today.

-Anneliese Rose

I'm just not skinny...anymore.

I used to be super fit.

I used to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
Does this sound familiar? Remember those days? well if you don't, you WILL. sorry. plain, ugly truth. Eat everything you can NOW cause when 30 hits...it's all down hill. Take it from me.

Why is it so hard to diet and work out? I blame energy levels, super good foods and LAZINESS! I just don't know what to do. I can no longer rely on my old metabolism and it's bummin me out hard core.
Today I worked with some models (clearly I was not one of them, although I was asked to be)
We modeled some jeans with bikini tops...well, on the way home, I called my husband and cried. TEARS, like big overflowing TEARS. Why would they humiliate me like this? I'm gonna be seen on  a NATIONAL commercial and CRY from humiliation!
I could not believe that all of these bodies around me were NOT FAT,  flat stomachs, 5'9  all legs! Then there I was...short, not toned and modeling jeans as if I was a 22 year old version of my former self. Who told me I could do this? Someone should have FIRED me.

I am deeply depressed today. I want to go and have Mcd's! The end.

“To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of the arts.” -Henry David Thoreau

Women don't talk about miscarriages...

This should be me right about now, but it's not...

I got pregnant last October and 8 weeks later I lost it. From one day to the next it was over. 

All of my happiness, my joy, my dreams and plans were gone. "Strong heart beat and growing", the Doc said. So what happened?
Who knows why? God knows I will never.

I guess I can't really ask why though. Things happen for a reason right?
Things always happen as they should. This is what we are taught and told and I would say that it's about 100% true 100% of the time. But just because I am aware and smart enough to know this, doesn't mean that the pain I feel daily ever subsides.
         -I feel a silent ache all day long. An unannounced, un-welcomed mini-torture that I am afraid I will always feel. Will I? No. Does it feel this way? Most definitely, YES.

On the heels of losing an 8 week fetus and not thinking anything else could hurt this badly, I lost another one just 2 months later. This time 6 weeks...
I spent 2 of those weeks in fantasy land, again.
I was over the moon happy and making plans. God would let me keep this one, right? The last one was a mistake and now God is blessing us with a new life, I thought. Right? Wrong.
There I was at my check up, smiling from ear to ear waiting to see our baby for the first time on the big screen and instead all I saw was a sea of black. "There is nothing there", the Doctor said. "I am sorry". This time it was a chemical pregnancy.
                 -here I am again, I thought. Lost and broken. Twice.

Yesterday 3/28 was a particularly rough day for me...
I had gone on a good streak of not crying for at least 2 weeks but as soon as I got home the tears came flooding but my loving husbands arms were there to save me. "We will have a baby", he said. "Don't worry honey, we will be parents one day." I just looked at him through watery eyes and through the blurriness, I saw a man with a smile who loves me. So many women lose babies. So many women go through worse than I have. I should be grateful, and I am. It's just hard. Women don't talk about miscarriages. They do when you mention that you have lost a baby but other than that, it's pretty much lips sealed and understandably so. I understand. It's such a hard thing to go through and accept and understand yet it happens SO MUCH MORE OFTEN THAN YOU THINK.

I can't think of anything better than to be a mother. I can't wait for my turn. I live in such fear that I will never get there but what good has fear ever done anyone?
I think of that little soul I never got to meet...2 little souls now.
I will continue to pray that one day we will meet him or her.

I have to remember that the best part of my husband and I, will one day take a breath.


Anneliese Rose

To Facebook or Not to Facebook...that is the question.

I've been struggling with Facebook lately. It is such a powerful tool and so popular among my generation but is it a good thing or a bad one? I've had this discussion with lots of people and everyone of course says "Well, Facebook keeps me connected with everyone and it makes it so much easier to be involved and be kept in the loop!" ACTUALLY, why don't you keep in touch with people WITHOUT the BLATANT intrusion of Facebook to keep you in the loop! Try picking up a phone, or writing a letter or E-MAILING or better yet VISIT someones and talk face to face with them. WOW, what a concept, I know! We are losing the human connection and because it is so convenient and speedy and instant, we keep doing it.


In my opinion we hit ridiculous was a while ago. Sites since Friendster, Myspace, Facebook, Twitter and which ever comes next! Why do I need to be kept up to date on your comings and goings on every day life. Why is what you are doing SO important that we have to type it out for EVERYONE to see, everyday, every hour? I understand if you want to post some pics from a vacation and or even share some good news but do I need to hear about how you went another night without sleep? Or that you ate or drank too much and slept an entire Sunday away? I don't. I really don't. I feel like I am being forced to care about all this bullshit that I otherwise would NOT KNOW. Where has privacy gone?
Thanks to facebook it's so easy to snoop and be aware of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE at EVERY minute. I don't like it.  Don't we have better things to do? More important things to care about?

I am starting to feel like we are all just really insecure. We NEED approval so much because we care that little about ourselves. It's sad. I don't want to go down this path but here I am like every other human, checking facebook and being nosy. That's all it is. NOSY, NOSY, NOSY! You can argue with me all you like but it's all it is. We are narcissistic, bored, insecure and lazy and that's why we Facebook.

What do YOU think?

Art...

Art.

I love the word.
It means so many different things to so many different people and yet that's my favorite part.
I posted this picture because it makes me feel like I am looking at myself if you want to know my truth. There is a connection between my soul and whatever this photographer, this artist, this director or this particular model's thoughts were. I found it special enough to post and blog about. It ignites something deep inside of me and it makes me thankful to be alive.

These womans wings have gotten too heavy for her and she took them off to breathe...or maybe she took them off because she didn't need them anymore? Maybe she is being born again? or for the first time? Perhaps they are too big for her little body and she is having trouble making them "fit".

I love what art does, as do most of you, I assume. There is never truth to the art your are looking at because it is so uniquely felt by the individual. So special, so secret.What is true for me is NOT going to be true for the person who reads my words and looks at this same photo. This is my favorite part of life...

I'd love to know what it does to you.
It's ALL truth, it's all good, it's all art.


Anneliese Rose

Energy, God or Both? Maybe something completely different...

I had a really amazing conversation last night with a good friend and it made me start thinking about what I believe in and why. Do you ever have talks like this?

I love to have any and all conversations about God or whoever or whatever people believe in. I want to make it clear that although I do believe in God but I am an extremely open minded individual. I love to discover what people believe in and WHY. I don't reserve a place for judgment on this topic because I am simply not an expert. Not now, not ever.

The only truth we know, or I know, is that we DON'T know, right? But it's fun to talk and share and discuss.

This friend I was speaking to last night does NOT believe in God. In many ways I cringe a little whenever I hear someone say that only because God has played such a HUGE role in my 32 years so far and to me he is very real. My first thought is always...Did God just hear that? What is he thinking right now about this perosn not believing in him? Is he laughing? Is he mad? I don't know...

What my friend did say was that he believes in Energy. Good Energy that for him, IS God. He does not "pray" he "meditates". He even went on to say that Energy or something not-of-this-earth is what he believes in. I thought this to be interesting and probably a popular thought among a lot of people out there. I've never taken really the time to ask anyone in depth about their faith but since starting this blog, no question is to be denied. Whatever your opinion, belief, experience is, I wanna hear it. If we don't share and tell each others story...what's the point?

Anneliese Rose

Sadness...

This is a topic that lately I find myself OBSESSED with.

I get sad at least 100 times a day.

Sometimes it catches me off guard, most of the time I look for it...Do I like being sad? Do you like being sad?

If you are reading this, I'd love for you to comment on what makes you sad and why. It may sound silly but seriously I want to know what it does. We are all so different, so what makes me sad may not make you feel the same.

Some of us feel things deeply, passionately

-while others feel nothing, an emptiness and numbness. 

Whatever you are, I wanna know. I wanna know the gritty, ugly, scary not perfect emotion.

and as always...I wanna know WHY.

I am trying to learn every angle of sadness. I am smart enough to know that it's all chemical but how we feel in each moment makes or breaks us, right?

Anneliese Rose

New territory...

I'm gonna be honest...it's completely terrifying...this blog stuff. 

Terrifying cause it's new and of course we are conditioned to be scared of what we DON'T know. 

Well I'm done being scared. What could or better yet should I be scared of? Criticism? Judgment?  from who? FUCK ALL THAT. (yes, I will swear when I feel absolutely certain that it is necessary)

Here I am ready to tell it like only I know how, cause let's get real, no one else is me. No one else is you, right? If you start to follow my blog and listen to me rant and rave, complain and cry, ask dumb questions and hopefully some smart ones too, you will find that I write the way I speak. Sorry, can't do anything about that. I guess if you are looking for the next big, bad ass writing God with perfect punctuation and grammar, I am simply NOT your girl. 

-But if you ARE looking to read about one life, MY life, as real as it gets, as intensely sad as it will be at times and equally as deliciously happy too, then Welcome...I invite you to a front row seat in the living room that is my heart...

Thank you for listening

Anneliese Rose