Women don't talk about miscarriages...

This should be me right about now, but it's not...

I got pregnant last October and 8 weeks later I lost it. From one day to the next it was over. 

All of my happiness, my joy, my dreams and plans were gone. "Strong heart beat and growing", the Doc said. So what happened?
Who knows why? God knows I will never.

I guess I can't really ask why though. Things happen for a reason right?
Things always happen as they should. This is what we are taught and told and I would say that it's about 100% true 100% of the time. But just because I am aware and smart enough to know this, doesn't mean that the pain I feel daily ever subsides.
         -I feel a silent ache all day long. An unannounced, un-welcomed mini-torture that I am afraid I will always feel. Will I? No. Does it feel this way? Most definitely, YES.

On the heels of losing an 8 week fetus and not thinking anything else could hurt this badly, I lost another one just 2 months later. This time 6 weeks...
I spent 2 of those weeks in fantasy land, again.
I was over the moon happy and making plans. God would let me keep this one, right? The last one was a mistake and now God is blessing us with a new life, I thought. Right? Wrong.
There I was at my check up, smiling from ear to ear waiting to see our baby for the first time on the big screen and instead all I saw was a sea of black. "There is nothing there", the Doctor said. "I am sorry". This time it was a chemical pregnancy.
                 -here I am again, I thought. Lost and broken. Twice.

Yesterday 3/28 was a particularly rough day for me...
I had gone on a good streak of not crying for at least 2 weeks but as soon as I got home the tears came flooding but my loving husbands arms were there to save me. "We will have a baby", he said. "Don't worry honey, we will be parents one day." I just looked at him through watery eyes and through the blurriness, I saw a man with a smile who loves me. So many women lose babies. So many women go through worse than I have. I should be grateful, and I am. It's just hard. Women don't talk about miscarriages. They do when you mention that you have lost a baby but other than that, it's pretty much lips sealed and understandably so. I understand. It's such a hard thing to go through and accept and understand yet it happens SO MUCH MORE OFTEN THAN YOU THINK.

I can't think of anything better than to be a mother. I can't wait for my turn. I live in such fear that I will never get there but what good has fear ever done anyone?
I think of that little soul I never got to meet...2 little souls now.
I will continue to pray that one day we will meet him or her.

I have to remember that the best part of my husband and I, will one day take a breath.


Anneliese Rose