Again and again...

It's "blog weather" outside. Rainy, dreary, gray blue, breezy and sad...
I am thinking I may be in trouble...again.

My heart just isn't right. I feel like there is a funeral inside my body. I think all day long about what it is that I am so unhappy about and the truth is, is that it's too much. It's so much. My dad, the miscarriages, and now I feel as though maybe my marriage is not on the greatest path. We love each other terribly and we have been through so much together already so love isn't the issue.  Sometimes I feel as though we speak 2 different languages. Not even close together languages like Spanish and Portuguese but more like Mandarin and Dutch. Know what I am talking about? Sound familiar?

I feel like an idiot half the time because I always look for the answer. I always want to come to a conclusion like most women are so inclined to do but unfortunately that does not always work...actually in my case it NEVER works.
I somehow make it worse or create more damage but how could I do that when all I was trying to do was make it better?? It's really infuriating. Not only that, but after we get to a point of no return then comes the silent treatment. We both do this. This is the saddest part. I mean life is too short, right? This can't be the best way to handle something is it? I know it's necessary to take some time and walk away from a bad argument or just sit back and do some healthy thinking but ALL DAY?
I hate silence. I'd rather hash it out, in a good way and get to a better place than to sit in awful silence and wondering who will say what first.

And all of us married people know that we are in it to win it, right? You can't just say- Hey, this isn't working out for me...I'm gonna go to my own place now, I'll see ya in a few days. Nope. Not us.
 We have to be here whether we like it or not cause that's what we signed up for. I love being married, I truly do but days like today I sure do miss my single life of doing whatever the fuck it is that I WANT to do without having anyone or anything else to worry about! It's exhausting.

The ugly truth is that right now, I feel like I am mourning a death. A funeral is taking place everyday somewhere in my body at any given time. Even on my good days the troops are always there standing guard and ready for action.
I hate that I feel this way. I almost feel like everything is slowly falling apart in front of my eyes and I can't or I won't do anything about it. I pretend that the next new day will bring some sort of magic water that will erase these horrible and sad feelings but really the opposite takes place.
I am at a loss.
A loss of hope. Faith is all tapped out, tear ducts dry and empty heart. I will convince myself before going to bed that all will be better tomorrow and it will be...until it all comes crashing down on me once again like a reoccurring dream that is most definitely anything but...