2nd time around...for her.

 So I found out that today someone who I know well is pregnant. her 2nd one.
Don't get me wrong, I am way happy for her...but sad at the same time. I know that's completely horrible and selfish but I need to be honest. That's why I am doing this, right? Blogging? aka "Dear Diarying" how I feel? Well I have been trying to work out my feelings but there are always so many that I can't keep track.

I guess it was hard for me to take the good news because of my personal loses. Right now I'd be about 5.5 months preg, had I not lost it. I still can remember the doctor saying...."So as you can see, there is no heart beat anymore". "If there was, you would see BIG, BRIGHT LIGHTS like a Christmas tree all over the place and here there are none...see?"
It's like a nightmare I get to relive while I am awake and no matter how hard I try, those images, his face (the Dr.) and the room will live vividly in my mind.

I guess it's like this for a lot of other people and I am just one more name to add to that club.
Meanwhile my friend is 5 weeks preg. Having a life growing inside of you is more magical than you can ever think to describe. So yes, I am happy for her new life and for the brother or sister her son will have and for the new little face I will someday kiss and squeeze, but inside deep in my heart and definitely today, I ache. I know it's normal but it feels so bad.
I wish this wasn't my reality.

thanks for listening.