Saturday morning blues...

Do you ever feel completely lost? Completely empty and without purpose? I can't seem to master making my day or days go by without some sort of deep rooted sadness reaching my face each day.

I got married last year and right afterwards my Dad suffered a stroke. He is now in a wheel chair unable to move his left side. It's the saddest thing I've ever seen or experienced with a member of my family. I am an only child so the pressure is on to be the one who saves the day. At least it's how I feel.

I feel like I never do enough, I don't know the right thing or the best thing. I have to make it up as I go along and the cross is getting hard to bare. Pardon the expression but it's true. I have not rested since last June. My body, heart and soul have been taking a beating that I can only compare to things I've seen in movies. No one know my kind of heart ache and yet there are SO many people suffering worse than I. I have to remember that. Between the months of June to April, I have gotten married, gotten the news of my Father's stroke, lost my job to go help him and be with him, got pregnant, lost the baby, got pregnant again and lost another one and now I feel like I am at a loss....

A loss of words, a loss of feeling, a loss of everything. I have no idea what to do. I am so unbelievably depressed that nothing motivates me. I am starting to not care about my body, health or anything. I go into such a bad emotional place when I think about the life or lives that were taken away from me so suddenly. How much sadness can a person handle? How many more sad days will I have? Who knows what I can expect from the future? -But that's just it, isn't it? It's life. I'm living a normal every day life.
I have to accept it, assess it and move on. I have to do better. I have to make myself get up everyday and smile and have faith that everything one day will be ok.

It's so hard. I am such a naturally happy human being and all of this ugly, painful sadness has taken a seat next to me and I have to deal with it. I can't cry or feel bad for myself all day long. I remember those who are in hospitals with breathing tubes struggling. People and children who have cancer with days numbered. People in Japan and Haiti with NO houses or clean water or food. That is tragedy.

I am so lucky to have an amazing husband that works so hard. He loves me so much that he would walk to the end of the earth to find me, to rescue me and in many ways he has. I also have an amazing Father that doesn't spend his days depressed that this awful thing happened to him. He goes to therapy, happily. He even drives, cleans his house, walks his dog...I am so proud of him. I wish he knew. I try as much as I can to just be a beacon of light and hope for him.
I also have an amazing Mother who is one of the strongest people I know. She has found peace and really and truly calls upon God and Faith to help her in every situation. It's amazing to watch. Then there is me. I have an amazing home, a job I love and I have 2 arms, 2 legs, I am healthy (I hope) I guess one can never know what will happen, but for the moment I am not suffering. The inside of my heart seems to be needing lots of help though...

My wish and hope for today is that maybe I reach one person that maybe feels the same way. Maybe your life is amazing and you have everything you could wish for and you read my post today and think to yourself, "Wow, I am blessed", "Let me go and live this day to the fullest."

If things are not so good in your life and you need a little inspiration then let me be an example of how to turn it around. I am here to tell you that nothing is permanent. It is all temporary. Our bodies, our mind and all of the tangible things we spend so much money on every day will one day be gone. I am not an expert on anything, I am not saying that sometimes it feels like maybe ending it all, would really take the pain away because believe me, I have been there. You are not alone. We are all so alike in so many ways but it's hard to speak about the sad truth. It's hard for me which is why I am blogging. I feel like finally I can get out my truth without feeling naked, vulnerable or scared.

We are all the same. It's time we really start to be who we are and fuck all the bad things that happen to us. They are gonna happen no matter what, right? Let's just pick ourselves up and say, we are better than this!
WE will conquer.
WE will remain. We will determine how happy we can be no matter the circumstance. It can be done, we just have to want it.

I hope you smile today.

-Anneliese Rose