I read this today and it helped my heart...maybe it will help someone else too.

This is another day, O Lord.

I know not what it will bring forth,

but make me ready, Lord,

for whatever it may be.

If I am to stand up,

help me to stand bravely.

If I am to sit still,

help me to sit quietly.

If I am to lie low,

help me to do it patiently.

And if I am to do nothing,

help me to do it gallantly.

Make these words more than words,

and give me the Spirit of Jesus.

Amen.

It's never too late to turn it all around...

Maybe it's time to stop feeling so low...
I look over my blog and wonder what you all must think. This poor lost, little girl who's every entry has something to do with overwhelming emotions of sorrow

It's all up to me and no one else, right?
So if I feel so down and out it's because I am ALLOWING it to happen! I control me and my destiny and no one else.
Maybe today is the day it all starts looking up...

Happy blogs about silly and fun and meaningful things is what I will concentrate on...
Please forgive me if every now and again I fall off the tracks and breathe a sad word or two.
Have enough faith in me to know I will find my back to the yellow brick road... eventually.

Hope everyone out there has a great TUES-DAY!

Drowning above water...

Looking for inspiration, for a miracle everywhere I take a breath
but
nothing but an ocean of rain comes over my face before I can focus on what's before me.
My heart is the weight of a thousand men and
I drag it around all day long with a plastic smile I paint on every day.

I run out of words, I lack the vocabulary I need when trying to describe how I actually feel.
What will become of this life? of me? What have I become already?
A person I do not recognize as my own, eyes that gaze back but no reflection do I see.

Is this what God intended for me? They say you are not given more than you can handle but somebody please hear me because I think he forgot about me. Is anyone listening?
Drowning while breathing, drowning above water, is the best I can come up with...
How could this be?
How could this happen?
Where did I go wrong and why did I keep going?

Again and again...

It's "blog weather" outside. Rainy, dreary, gray blue, breezy and sad...
I am thinking I may be in trouble...again.

My heart just isn't right. I feel like there is a funeral inside my body. I think all day long about what it is that I am so unhappy about and the truth is, is that it's too much. It's so much. My dad, the miscarriages, and now I feel as though maybe my marriage is not on the greatest path. We love each other terribly and we have been through so much together already so love isn't the issue.  Sometimes I feel as though we speak 2 different languages. Not even close together languages like Spanish and Portuguese but more like Mandarin and Dutch. Know what I am talking about? Sound familiar?

I feel like an idiot half the time because I always look for the answer. I always want to come to a conclusion like most women are so inclined to do but unfortunately that does not always work...actually in my case it NEVER works.
I somehow make it worse or create more damage but how could I do that when all I was trying to do was make it better?? It's really infuriating. Not only that, but after we get to a point of no return then comes the silent treatment. We both do this. This is the saddest part. I mean life is too short, right? This can't be the best way to handle something is it? I know it's necessary to take some time and walk away from a bad argument or just sit back and do some healthy thinking but ALL DAY?
I hate silence. I'd rather hash it out, in a good way and get to a better place than to sit in awful silence and wondering who will say what first.

And all of us married people know that we are in it to win it, right? You can't just say- Hey, this isn't working out for me...I'm gonna go to my own place now, I'll see ya in a few days. Nope. Not us.
 We have to be here whether we like it or not cause that's what we signed up for. I love being married, I truly do but days like today I sure do miss my single life of doing whatever the fuck it is that I WANT to do without having anyone or anything else to worry about! It's exhausting.

The ugly truth is that right now, I feel like I am mourning a death. A funeral is taking place everyday somewhere in my body at any given time. Even on my good days the troops are always there standing guard and ready for action.
I hate that I feel this way. I almost feel like everything is slowly falling apart in front of my eyes and I can't or I won't do anything about it. I pretend that the next new day will bring some sort of magic water that will erase these horrible and sad feelings but really the opposite takes place.
I am at a loss.
A loss of hope. Faith is all tapped out, tear ducts dry and empty heart. I will convince myself before going to bed that all will be better tomorrow and it will be...until it all comes crashing down on me once again like a reoccurring dream that is most definitely anything but...

2nd time around...for her.

 So I found out that today someone who I know well is pregnant. her 2nd one.
Don't get me wrong, I am way happy for her...but sad at the same time. I know that's completely horrible and selfish but I need to be honest. That's why I am doing this, right? Blogging? aka "Dear Diarying" how I feel? Well I have been trying to work out my feelings but there are always so many that I can't keep track.

I guess it was hard for me to take the good news because of my personal loses. Right now I'd be about 5.5 months preg, had I not lost it. I still can remember the doctor saying...."So as you can see, there is no heart beat anymore". "If there was, you would see BIG, BRIGHT LIGHTS like a Christmas tree all over the place and here there are none...see?"
It's like a nightmare I get to relive while I am awake and no matter how hard I try, those images, his face (the Dr.) and the room will live vividly in my mind.

I guess it's like this for a lot of other people and I am just one more name to add to that club.
Meanwhile my friend is 5 weeks preg. Having a life growing inside of you is more magical than you can ever think to describe. So yes, I am happy for her new life and for the brother or sister her son will have and for the new little face I will someday kiss and squeeze, but inside deep in my heart and definitely today, I ache. I know it's normal but it feels so bad.
I wish this wasn't my reality.

thanks for listening.

Been a few weeks...

I haven't blogged in a few weeks cause either 1. Life gets so incredibly busy or 2. I don't feel like saying that much lately.

What I will say today, is that I am so tired! Shouldn't this be everyone's tag line in life? I feel like I never catch up. I wake up 100 times a night to either turn, stare up at the ceiling, go to the loo etc...but I seriously can't remember the last time I felt AWESOME and well rested from the first moment I open my peepers. We don't even have kids yet so I bet a lot of you have NO sympathy for me whatsoever! (I don't blame you) But still...I am tired :(

Sometimes I feel like my brain carries way too much information that I can't get rid of. Stupid info that I don't need but is there. I worry and stress about almost everything and I don't know how to stop. I try meditating in prayer  form, breathing, listening to "ocean sounds" on my ipad but nothing ever really works. How does one stop worrying? Is it possible? Cause unless you live in world without family, a job, a pet, bills or friends then NO, it's impossible. Worrying is a prerequisite to this life as soon as we are born. I wish I had better news on this sunny Sunday morning, but I don't.

 Not trying to be a downer, cause Lord knows it's not in my nature but it's a big downfall right now. I need to get so much better at LIFE. I need a life coach or a really good article that will stick in my brain in a way that I can pull it out as soon I get into trouble. There are so many things that I wanna do. Little silly stuff and way big important, life altering things on my to-do list. Where do I start? Where do any of us start?

Sassy-fly kind of day....

Ok...so I decided to really turn it around today. I am wearing boot heels, a cute little spanish-fly black dress, curled my hair, did a little smokey look on the eye and walking with my shoulders back and head held high! I feel surprisingly sassy and sexy today. Even skinny (shhhh)

Sometimes you gotta just be good to yourself like this and say I'm worth it.
Loreal knows that they are talking about sometimes ;)

Anyway, I hope the world is having an amazing day today!

The weekend is here...what are YOUR plans??

Puppies ?...

So my husband wants to get a dog...I think it could be good for us but I am just not sure. I've had dogs my whole life so I know the responsibility and work it takes but maybe it would be a really good thing at this point in our lives! Any thoughts out there in blog land?? We need a hypoallergenic dog since we are both allergic...

Sleepless nights...

Sometimes I just wake up feeling really sad. Today was one of those days :(
I try my absolute best to turn it around and get some positive energy going but it gets difficult. I wake up at least once or twice a night because I can't turn my brain OFF. It's a horrible feeling. There I am in the middle of the night staring up at the ceiling in the silence just me and the abyss of my mind...
black and endless.

Does this happen to you? I am assuming it does, it's probably really normal but it's debilitating. I start to think of all the things I could have done differently in my past (which is ridiculous since I can't change a word or undo a step I've taken) but it's like my thoughts paralyze me. I take so many twists and turns and so many things bog me down and keep me sad. I pray, I meditate, I lie there and think of good, happy thoughts and just breath. Lately it's getting harder and harder...
All I know is that somehow I have to turn it around. I have to remember that life is to be lived now now later. I can't keep pushing things to the side.

Things on my list to get to...EAT BETTER and EXERCISE! Why is it so hard to do?
LAZY. plain and simple. I know I have to do better, bottom line. It's all up to me...

Saturday morning blues...

Do you ever feel completely lost? Completely empty and without purpose? I can't seem to master making my day or days go by without some sort of deep rooted sadness reaching my face each day.

I got married last year and right afterwards my Dad suffered a stroke. He is now in a wheel chair unable to move his left side. It's the saddest thing I've ever seen or experienced with a member of my family. I am an only child so the pressure is on to be the one who saves the day. At least it's how I feel.

I feel like I never do enough, I don't know the right thing or the best thing. I have to make it up as I go along and the cross is getting hard to bare. Pardon the expression but it's true. I have not rested since last June. My body, heart and soul have been taking a beating that I can only compare to things I've seen in movies. No one know my kind of heart ache and yet there are SO many people suffering worse than I. I have to remember that. Between the months of June to April, I have gotten married, gotten the news of my Father's stroke, lost my job to go help him and be with him, got pregnant, lost the baby, got pregnant again and lost another one and now I feel like I am at a loss....

A loss of words, a loss of feeling, a loss of everything. I have no idea what to do. I am so unbelievably depressed that nothing motivates me. I am starting to not care about my body, health or anything. I go into such a bad emotional place when I think about the life or lives that were taken away from me so suddenly. How much sadness can a person handle? How many more sad days will I have? Who knows what I can expect from the future? -But that's just it, isn't it? It's life. I'm living a normal every day life.
I have to accept it, assess it and move on. I have to do better. I have to make myself get up everyday and smile and have faith that everything one day will be ok.

It's so hard. I am such a naturally happy human being and all of this ugly, painful sadness has taken a seat next to me and I have to deal with it. I can't cry or feel bad for myself all day long. I remember those who are in hospitals with breathing tubes struggling. People and children who have cancer with days numbered. People in Japan and Haiti with NO houses or clean water or food. That is tragedy.

I am so lucky to have an amazing husband that works so hard. He loves me so much that he would walk to the end of the earth to find me, to rescue me and in many ways he has. I also have an amazing Father that doesn't spend his days depressed that this awful thing happened to him. He goes to therapy, happily. He even drives, cleans his house, walks his dog...I am so proud of him. I wish he knew. I try as much as I can to just be a beacon of light and hope for him.
I also have an amazing Mother who is one of the strongest people I know. She has found peace and really and truly calls upon God and Faith to help her in every situation. It's amazing to watch. Then there is me. I have an amazing home, a job I love and I have 2 arms, 2 legs, I am healthy (I hope) I guess one can never know what will happen, but for the moment I am not suffering. The inside of my heart seems to be needing lots of help though...

My wish and hope for today is that maybe I reach one person that maybe feels the same way. Maybe your life is amazing and you have everything you could wish for and you read my post today and think to yourself, "Wow, I am blessed", "Let me go and live this day to the fullest."

If things are not so good in your life and you need a little inspiration then let me be an example of how to turn it around. I am here to tell you that nothing is permanent. It is all temporary. Our bodies, our mind and all of the tangible things we spend so much money on every day will one day be gone. I am not an expert on anything, I am not saying that sometimes it feels like maybe ending it all, would really take the pain away because believe me, I have been there. You are not alone. We are all so alike in so many ways but it's hard to speak about the sad truth. It's hard for me which is why I am blogging. I feel like finally I can get out my truth without feeling naked, vulnerable or scared.

We are all the same. It's time we really start to be who we are and fuck all the bad things that happen to us. They are gonna happen no matter what, right? Let's just pick ourselves up and say, we are better than this!
WE will conquer.
WE will remain. We will determine how happy we can be no matter the circumstance. It can be done, we just have to want it.

I hope you smile today.

-Anneliese Rose