I'm just not skinny...anymore.

I used to be super fit.

I used to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
Does this sound familiar? Remember those days? well if you don't, you WILL. sorry. plain, ugly truth. Eat everything you can NOW cause when 30 hits...it's all down hill. Take it from me.

Why is it so hard to diet and work out? I blame energy levels, super good foods and LAZINESS! I just don't know what to do. I can no longer rely on my old metabolism and it's bummin me out hard core.
Today I worked with some models (clearly I was not one of them, although I was asked to be)
We modeled some jeans with bikini tops...well, on the way home, I called my husband and cried. TEARS, like big overflowing TEARS. Why would they humiliate me like this? I'm gonna be seen on  a NATIONAL commercial and CRY from humiliation!
I could not believe that all of these bodies around me were NOT FAT,  flat stomachs, 5'9  all legs! Then there I was...short, not toned and modeling jeans as if I was a 22 year old version of my former self. Who told me I could do this? Someone should have FIRED me.

I am deeply depressed today. I want to go and have Mcd's! The end.

“To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of the arts.” -Henry David Thoreau

Women don't talk about miscarriages...

This should be me right about now, but it's not...

I got pregnant last October and 8 weeks later I lost it. From one day to the next it was over. 

All of my happiness, my joy, my dreams and plans were gone. "Strong heart beat and growing", the Doc said. So what happened?
Who knows why? God knows I will never.

I guess I can't really ask why though. Things happen for a reason right?
Things always happen as they should. This is what we are taught and told and I would say that it's about 100% true 100% of the time. But just because I am aware and smart enough to know this, doesn't mean that the pain I feel daily ever subsides.
         -I feel a silent ache all day long. An unannounced, un-welcomed mini-torture that I am afraid I will always feel. Will I? No. Does it feel this way? Most definitely, YES.

On the heels of losing an 8 week fetus and not thinking anything else could hurt this badly, I lost another one just 2 months later. This time 6 weeks...
I spent 2 of those weeks in fantasy land, again.
I was over the moon happy and making plans. God would let me keep this one, right? The last one was a mistake and now God is blessing us with a new life, I thought. Right? Wrong.
There I was at my check up, smiling from ear to ear waiting to see our baby for the first time on the big screen and instead all I saw was a sea of black. "There is nothing there", the Doctor said. "I am sorry". This time it was a chemical pregnancy.
                 -here I am again, I thought. Lost and broken. Twice.

Yesterday 3/28 was a particularly rough day for me...
I had gone on a good streak of not crying for at least 2 weeks but as soon as I got home the tears came flooding but my loving husbands arms were there to save me. "We will have a baby", he said. "Don't worry honey, we will be parents one day." I just looked at him through watery eyes and through the blurriness, I saw a man with a smile who loves me. So many women lose babies. So many women go through worse than I have. I should be grateful, and I am. It's just hard. Women don't talk about miscarriages. They do when you mention that you have lost a baby but other than that, it's pretty much lips sealed and understandably so. I understand. It's such a hard thing to go through and accept and understand yet it happens SO MUCH MORE OFTEN THAN YOU THINK.

I can't think of anything better than to be a mother. I can't wait for my turn. I live in such fear that I will never get there but what good has fear ever done anyone?
I think of that little soul I never got to meet...2 little souls now.
I will continue to pray that one day we will meet him or her.

I have to remember that the best part of my husband and I, will one day take a breath.


Anneliese Rose

To Facebook or Not to Facebook...that is the question.

I've been struggling with Facebook lately. It is such a powerful tool and so popular among my generation but is it a good thing or a bad one? I've had this discussion with lots of people and everyone of course says "Well, Facebook keeps me connected with everyone and it makes it so much easier to be involved and be kept in the loop!" ACTUALLY, why don't you keep in touch with people WITHOUT the BLATANT intrusion of Facebook to keep you in the loop! Try picking up a phone, or writing a letter or E-MAILING or better yet VISIT someones and talk face to face with them. WOW, what a concept, I know! We are losing the human connection and because it is so convenient and speedy and instant, we keep doing it.


In my opinion we hit ridiculous was a while ago. Sites since Friendster, Myspace, Facebook, Twitter and which ever comes next! Why do I need to be kept up to date on your comings and goings on every day life. Why is what you are doing SO important that we have to type it out for EVERYONE to see, everyday, every hour? I understand if you want to post some pics from a vacation and or even share some good news but do I need to hear about how you went another night without sleep? Or that you ate or drank too much and slept an entire Sunday away? I don't. I really don't. I feel like I am being forced to care about all this bullshit that I otherwise would NOT KNOW. Where has privacy gone?
Thanks to facebook it's so easy to snoop and be aware of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE at EVERY minute. I don't like it.  Don't we have better things to do? More important things to care about?

I am starting to feel like we are all just really insecure. We NEED approval so much because we care that little about ourselves. It's sad. I don't want to go down this path but here I am like every other human, checking facebook and being nosy. That's all it is. NOSY, NOSY, NOSY! You can argue with me all you like but it's all it is. We are narcissistic, bored, insecure and lazy and that's why we Facebook.

What do YOU think?

Art...

Art.

I love the word.
It means so many different things to so many different people and yet that's my favorite part.
I posted this picture because it makes me feel like I am looking at myself if you want to know my truth. There is a connection between my soul and whatever this photographer, this artist, this director or this particular model's thoughts were. I found it special enough to post and blog about. It ignites something deep inside of me and it makes me thankful to be alive.

These womans wings have gotten too heavy for her and she took them off to breathe...or maybe she took them off because she didn't need them anymore? Maybe she is being born again? or for the first time? Perhaps they are too big for her little body and she is having trouble making them "fit".

I love what art does, as do most of you, I assume. There is never truth to the art your are looking at because it is so uniquely felt by the individual. So special, so secret.What is true for me is NOT going to be true for the person who reads my words and looks at this same photo. This is my favorite part of life...

I'd love to know what it does to you.
It's ALL truth, it's all good, it's all art.


Anneliese Rose

Energy, God or Both? Maybe something completely different...

I had a really amazing conversation last night with a good friend and it made me start thinking about what I believe in and why. Do you ever have talks like this?

I love to have any and all conversations about God or whoever or whatever people believe in. I want to make it clear that although I do believe in God but I am an extremely open minded individual. I love to discover what people believe in and WHY. I don't reserve a place for judgment on this topic because I am simply not an expert. Not now, not ever.

The only truth we know, or I know, is that we DON'T know, right? But it's fun to talk and share and discuss.

This friend I was speaking to last night does NOT believe in God. In many ways I cringe a little whenever I hear someone say that only because God has played such a HUGE role in my 32 years so far and to me he is very real. My first thought is always...Did God just hear that? What is he thinking right now about this perosn not believing in him? Is he laughing? Is he mad? I don't know...

What my friend did say was that he believes in Energy. Good Energy that for him, IS God. He does not "pray" he "meditates". He even went on to say that Energy or something not-of-this-earth is what he believes in. I thought this to be interesting and probably a popular thought among a lot of people out there. I've never taken really the time to ask anyone in depth about their faith but since starting this blog, no question is to be denied. Whatever your opinion, belief, experience is, I wanna hear it. If we don't share and tell each others story...what's the point?

Anneliese Rose

Sadness...

This is a topic that lately I find myself OBSESSED with.

I get sad at least 100 times a day.

Sometimes it catches me off guard, most of the time I look for it...Do I like being sad? Do you like being sad?

If you are reading this, I'd love for you to comment on what makes you sad and why. It may sound silly but seriously I want to know what it does. We are all so different, so what makes me sad may not make you feel the same.

Some of us feel things deeply, passionately

-while others feel nothing, an emptiness and numbness. 

Whatever you are, I wanna know. I wanna know the gritty, ugly, scary not perfect emotion.

and as always...I wanna know WHY.

I am trying to learn every angle of sadness. I am smart enough to know that it's all chemical but how we feel in each moment makes or breaks us, right?

Anneliese Rose

New territory...

I'm gonna be honest...it's completely terrifying...this blog stuff. 

Terrifying cause it's new and of course we are conditioned to be scared of what we DON'T know. 

Well I'm done being scared. What could or better yet should I be scared of? Criticism? Judgment?  from who? FUCK ALL THAT. (yes, I will swear when I feel absolutely certain that it is necessary)

Here I am ready to tell it like only I know how, cause let's get real, no one else is me. No one else is you, right? If you start to follow my blog and listen to me rant and rave, complain and cry, ask dumb questions and hopefully some smart ones too, you will find that I write the way I speak. Sorry, can't do anything about that. I guess if you are looking for the next big, bad ass writing God with perfect punctuation and grammar, I am simply NOT your girl. 

-But if you ARE looking to read about one life, MY life, as real as it gets, as intensely sad as it will be at times and equally as deliciously happy too, then Welcome...I invite you to a front row seat in the living room that is my heart...

Thank you for listening

Anneliese Rose